I’d odd, I’m weird, I’m one of a kind. I like most things boys like. I’m far from a girly girl. I prefer to game rather then to go for dinner. I’ll steal your superhero t-shirt, not your money. I’m more likely to laugh at something offensive than actually get offended. I’ll cook you dinner or bring you a beer when you’ve had a shitty day. I’m caring but I never wear my heart on my sleeve. I can be brutally blunt & honest, take it as a compliment that I’ll never bullshit you. If I let my guard down around you feel special. I’ll admit, I’m super hard to understand, but I will always make it known what you mean to me. It’s who I am. I’m me. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
My name is Crooks, I’m twenty seven years old. I’ve grown up a lot quicker than most twenty seven year olds. I’ve had a career, owned my own home, been in love, been married, been heartbroken. I’ve never gone without love in my life, or a supportive family or a hot meal on the table. I’ve been extremely lucky in life so far. Even at my worst times, they’ve turned around into my best memories. I could never complain about my life or my experiences. I am extremely fortunate. One thing I’ve never done however is find myself. Until now. Enter 2016:
Let me start off by saying that 2015 was an extremely hard year for me. I battled a lot of personal issues, relationship issues (both friends and romantic) & an overall uphill emotional battle. I’ve always been the positive “sun will come out tomorrow” type personality; but parts of 2015 had definitely managed to steal my personality away from me. I am stronger because of this. I vowed 2016 was going to be different. Has it ever! From previous posts you know the basics of whats gone on. Since my last post minor changes have been made. I kissed the automotive industry goodbye. Fond memories made for sure, but time to be who I’ve always wanted to be. These last couple weeks I’ve really worked on just my happiness. Doing things I love. I’ve spent more time at the beach, spent more time with family & friends, taken the dogs for day adventures & even managed to read some books I’ve desperately wanted to read for a long time. I decided my next career choice wasn’t going to be rushed, it wasn’t worth sacrificing my happiness anymore. I was done with selling out my freedom & good spirit for a solid paycheque. It’s time to have a life again. I’ve gotta say, I’m the happiest I’ve been in years. I finally feel like I’m free to love myself. I’m spending every day learning more about myself. I’ve never felt I had the right to look after myself because there was always someone else I put first. I’ve never felt like I do now. In twenty seven years I’ve finally fallen in love with myself. I’m confident in who I’m becoming. Confident in my personality, my body & my mind. They say when you put positive energy into the world you get positive back. Enter him. I don’t know what it is yet, but I know it’s something. I haven’t smiled & laughed like this for a really long time. I don’t want to jinx what that is, but I know whatever it is definitely contributes to this recent happiness. I’ve never met someone I could be so comfortable with, be myself & yet never be judged. Its a refreshing, new feeling that I think I could get used to.
None of this happiness would be possible if I didn’t make a leap. I literally jumped into the unknown, faced all my fears & went in with two feet. Vancouver is changing me. I don’t think I could ever be who I was before I made this move. I want to put the past in the past and look forward to this new me who I love. I know I have something great to offer the world & I can’t wait to see where it leads me. This doesn’t mean I get to stop working my ass off to fight for who I want to be, but it does mean all this hard work both emotional and physical is finally paying off & I couldn’t be happier.
In this last year I’ve been through a lot of things. Some very private, some not so much. One real eye opener to me was however, how strong my heart was. Emotionally of course. The emotional torment you put your heart through is unexplainable. Every day, or should I say every “regular” day we go through a multitude of emotions. Dur, captain obvious. On the daily our heart is put through emotions. But what about our really good days? Or even worse our really bad days? How does our heart constantly heal? I know I’ve felt like my heart has been torn out millions of times and sewn back in. We live & learn but our heart always seems to heal. It leaves yesterday in the past and focus’ on what it’s being put through today. I’m blown away by the emotional tolerance my heart has. The crazy things it’s put through day in day out. I guess my heart would make the perfect metaphor for life. Constantly pushing forward, through pain or happiness & remembering that, no matter what I’m going to heal. There’s another 24 hours tomorrow.
– heart pounding Crooks.
•marriage, do or don’t?•
I was brought up to believe once you get married you feel a sense of security. Security in the sense knowing you found the one person you’re supposed to be with, everybody else is just shadows in the backround. Now, from personal experience I never truly felt secure in my marriage. I always felt like he could do better or always wanted someone more than me. (Looking back, I realize I had multiple aspects as to why I felt this way) I always wrote it off as part of the reason my marriage failed. Insecurity & never feeling enough. I recently went out with a friend who is now married & she was saying how she would never think her husband would cheat, but never fully felt secure. It was in the back of her mind that he could be checking out/meeting girls at work, the gym or just a simple daily errand he’s running. My question is when did we all become so insecure? What happened to the idea of relationships, especially marriage that’s supposed to be so sacred between two people they never had to consider an outside temptation? Can our generation blame social media? It’s similar to dating these days, nobody really settles down into a long term relationship because they feel there could always be something better. How do we quit temptation and really focus on we’re with? Is it as simple as deleting social media and pouring all the focus into a relationship? Do we need to start dating ourselves and realize that we can no longer rely on our companion to fulfill that security? I want to know when security became such a problem. I can truthfully say since my marriage ended I’ve learnt to love myself. I have nobody to impress except myself. If I want to watch a cheesey movie and eat all my favourite junk food I will. I now understand that when I do find someone I want to invest my time in that I will be good enough. A significant other doesn’t have the right to take that away from me. I don’t know if I’m learning this because of my experiences in life at such a young age or if this is part of growing up and getting to know me. I’m not sure I would’ve ever gotten to when I am mentally if I was still married. I truthfully thought the sense of insecurity was just something that was wrong with me. I didn’t know other people also felt this way. Especially married couples. Do men feel insecure in their relationships too? Most people are quick to blame social media, but is there a way to have a long lasting relationship AND have social media? Or is our generation forever going to feel there is always someone better? I guess this is modern day relationships now. Can marriage be kept sacred and secure? Will we always be tempted by someone else? I understand not everyone has temptation, not everyone will act on temptation if they do. I’m curious to see how marriage will be in 10 years from now, will social media or overall temptation totally destroy the idea of one person forever? Guess I’ll just have to wait and see.
– Curious Crooks
•yes, I’m best friends with my ex husband•
Let’s begin with this, I truly believe you can be friends with an ex. Once the romance is over, it’s over. Why not be friends with someone you were once close with? You’re at the point that your relationship has run its path, what’s in the past is in the past. Obviously if it was an abusive relationship, bad chemistry or anything extremely negative you’re not going to want to keep them around. But let’s be realistic, if you can remain friends why not? At this point you’re probably thinking I’m crazy, like I have 4 heads. Typical response. My ex husband and I have the mutual respect for each other that we knew when to call it quits. When everything stopped adding up romantically & we still wanted to stay close as friends. The smart way to divorce. Now, of course dating is slightly tricky. Explaining that you’re best friends with your ex husband usually makes guys run for the hills. I’m at the point in my life that if you can’t accept my ex and I being close then we could never be together anyways. I truly lucked out with my ex. We have the perfect makings for a friendship, and a horrible concoction for romance. Maybe even oil & water if you will. This doesn’t mean I need to disrespect him, dislike him or hope he’s not happy. I’m always going have a soft spot for him in my heart & wishes whatever he does next in life makes him truly happy. He’s a great guy, he deserves happiness. I guess the odd looks I receive when we say “oh no, we aren’t dating, we’re actually divorcing” are never going to end. But I will happily & openly discuss being best friends with my husband because I mean, why not? People should be more openly accepting of others & not purposely holding onto negative feelings for something that’s in the past. Love doesn’t have to end because a marriage did. A great friendship just grows.
– Divorcing Crooks
I’ve always been extremely independent. Since I was a kid I would always do things for myself instead of relying on others. It’s often been a constant problem when I’m in a relationship. Most men want their girl to NEED them. When I found my ex husband I thought I hit the jackpot. He continuously supported me in being independent & doing my own thing. This was one of the greatest aspects of our relationship. Obviously, him now being my ex, things didn’t quite work out. I feel like one of the greatest things I’ve learnt from my marriage was to love myself first. To find a guy who I WANT & not one I NEED. A huge part of this is me taking the time to love myself again, do anything & everything I want. I can quite honestly say I have no time for a relationship. Sure, I’ve dipped into the Tinder pool, met some cool new people & had some fun. For once though, I’m being greedy & keeping all of my time & energy to myself. It’s time to date myself, treat myself & grow as a person. If I meet someone along the way? Awesome. I’m looking for a companion, someone to explore life with. Someone who equally wants to grow and improve themselves. I’m perfectly happy building my own empire, soaking myself in culture, enriching my soul in memories & becoming increasingly even more independent. I’ve got the right to be picky on whom I call “boyfriend”, I could care less to waste someone else’s time. If they just simply aren’t the right fit, I don’t care to force it. Obviously I’m human & hate the idea of being alone, but I rather be alone than with the wrong person. Life is too damn short. So I guess, for now, I’ll be making lots of friends, learning about people’s lives & day dreamin about the perfect man for me. Until then blog, wanna date?
– Single Crooks.