I’d odd, I’m weird, I’m one of a kind. I like most things boys like. I’m far from a girly girl. I prefer to game rather then to go for dinner. I’ll steal your superhero t-shirt, not your money. I’m more likely to laugh at something offensive than actually get offended. I’ll cook you dinner or bring you a beer when you’ve had a shitty day. I’m caring but I never wear my heart on my sleeve. I can be brutally blunt & honest, take it as a compliment that I’ll never bullshit you. If I let my guard down around you feel special. I’ll admit, I’m super hard to understand, but I will always make it known what you mean to me. It’s who I am. I’m me. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Birthdays. Everyone dreads their birthday. Especially getting older. You suddenly go through this stage of self depression where you just want to stay young, look hip & reflect back on where you are in life. I’ll admit, I’m TERRIBLE with birthdays. Typically a week or a bit before I go into meltdown mode. Wondering what I’m doing in life, where I’m going & if I’m starting to loose grip on my appearance. This year was slightly different. Well, okay; that was a slight lie. I slept horribly & dreaded the fact that I couldn’t be with my family for the first time ever on my actually birthday. However, that’s just one part of growing up. I will say, For the first time in a long time I’m incredibly happy with where I am. I’m living on my own in an amazing city full of potential. I have my two dogs who are both extremely happy & healthy. Keeping me active & on my toes. I’m within short walking distance of the beach, quick drive to the mountains & can pretty much go and do anything I want whenever I want. I’ve focused more on my lifestyle & with that I’ve now hit the lowest in my weight I’ve been for as long as I can remember. Easily back to my teenager years. I’ve met a really incredible guy who is the biggest sweetheart & I can just be myself with. It’s so rare to be able to just sit back with someone and hang out. No pressure or tension just genuinely enjoying yourselves. I had no idea guys like him even existed. I’m about to embark on a career path I’ve wanted for a very long time. I am happy, my soul is fulfilled & feels rich with happiness. I feel like 6 months ago I could never predict what true happiness feels like. In all aspects of my life I’m in a great place. I wanted to post about it so even on my future crummy days I can look back at this moment in time & realize what happiness truly looks like. I guess birthdays aren’t so bad. Aging isn’t awesome but let’s be honest, I’ve suffered with Peter Pan syndrome since I was in my late teens. (I’ve been 23 long before I ever actually turned 23 & well past since I’ve turned 23. Haha.) I think it’s fair to say I’m never ever growing up.
So I guess this is cheers to 28! Finally a birthday I can enjoy. I love who I am & whom I’m becoming. Hopefully this is the beginning of many more fantastic birthdays where I’m even more fulfilled & happy with where I am in life.
– Aging (physically) Crooks.
The Art of Flight has always been one of my favourite documentaries since it was released in 2011. I’ve watched it more times than I can count but just now does it all make sense to me. Put the cell phone down & explore what this world has to offer. Just a little clip from today’s adventures!
•food for thought•
“You know it’s funny what’s happening to us. Our lives have become digital. Our friends now virtual, and everything you could ever want to know is only a click away. Experiencing the world through endless second hand information is not enough. If we want authencity we have to initiate it.” – Travis Rice (The Art of Flight)
My name is Crooks, I’m twenty seven years old. I’ve grown up a lot quicker than most twenty seven year olds. I’ve had a career, owned my own home, been in love, been married, been heartbroken. I’ve never gone without love in my life, or a supportive family or a hot meal on the table. I’ve been extremely lucky in life so far. Even at my worst times, they’ve turned around into my best memories. I could never complain about my life or my experiences. I am extremely fortunate. One thing I’ve never done however is find myself. Until now. Enter 2016:
Let me start off by saying that 2015 was an extremely hard year for me. I battled a lot of personal issues, relationship issues (both friends and romantic) & an overall uphill emotional battle. I’ve always been the positive “sun will come out tomorrow” type personality; but parts of 2015 had definitely managed to steal my personality away from me. I am stronger because of this. I vowed 2016 was going to be different. Has it ever! From previous posts you know the basics of whats gone on. Since my last post minor changes have been made. I kissed the automotive industry goodbye. Fond memories made for sure, but time to be who I’ve always wanted to be. These last couple weeks I’ve really worked on just my happiness. Doing things I love. I’ve spent more time at the beach, spent more time with family & friends, taken the dogs for day adventures & even managed to read some books I’ve desperately wanted to read for a long time. I decided my next career choice wasn’t going to be rushed, it wasn’t worth sacrificing my happiness anymore. I was done with selling out my freedom & good spirit for a solid paycheque. It’s time to have a life again. I’ve gotta say, I’m the happiest I’ve been in years. I finally feel like I’m free to love myself. I’m spending every day learning more about myself. I’ve never felt I had the right to look after myself because there was always someone else I put first. I’ve never felt like I do now. In twenty seven years I’ve finally fallen in love with myself. I’m confident in who I’m becoming. Confident in my personality, my body & my mind. They say when you put positive energy into the world you get positive back. Enter him. I don’t know what it is yet, but I know it’s something. I haven’t smiled & laughed like this for a really long time. I don’t want to jinx what that is, but I know whatever it is definitely contributes to this recent happiness. I’ve never met someone I could be so comfortable with, be myself & yet never be judged. Its a refreshing, new feeling that I think I could get used to.
None of this happiness would be possible if I didn’t make a leap. I literally jumped into the unknown, faced all my fears & went in with two feet. Vancouver is changing me. I don’t think I could ever be who I was before I made this move. I want to put the past in the past and look forward to this new me who I love. I know I have something great to offer the world & I can’t wait to see where it leads me. This doesn’t mean I get to stop working my ass off to fight for who I want to be, but it does mean all this hard work both emotional and physical is finally paying off & I couldn’t be happier.
I’ll be honest here, I have no idea what I’m about to write. Like most of my life, I’m just going to wing it.
Ever wonder what life has planned for you? Why certain people come into your life? Maybe someone in your life is going to change you forever. Maybe they are going to be the starting point of your career or they are intended to break your heart. It could be anyone, someone you’ve just met, someone who you’ve known forever, or even someone who you simply said hi to when you passed them in the street. I think the point I’m trying to make is that people, or really life in general can change so quickly within a short period of time. Gone are the days that you could predict having a job, a home & someone to come home to next week. We’ve built this insecurity within ourselves to constantly be on guard, aware & fighting for what we feel we deserve. What happens if we let go? Does the world crumble beneath us? Do we loose our jobs, our homes & our loved ones? At what point do you put faith in “meant to be”? Life is hard & I believe in working for everything you have. I also believe in not forcing life. I’m personally going through the life battle of not knowing where to go next. Wondering what my next step is. I’m no where near bored, my life lately has been nothing but adventure, However I am seeking purpose. I’ve always been a “go with the flow” type. I know that life has some sort of plan for me. That I will never fail at something I’m not supposed to. I am no where near religious but I do believe there is something or someone out there in the universe looking out for me paving the path I’m meant to walk. Life is like a book with different chapters, different scenarios & tests. I live an everyday life not knowing what to expect but accepting it as it comes. I can’t expect every day to be perfect, I can’t expect not to have downfalls. I can, however expect that I will make it through another day, learn a little more wether good or bad. In trying to find purpose I’m constantly learning & teaching/building a life I was intended to lead. I’ll admit, not everyone can wake up in the morning not knowing the purpose of their day. This is a large part of my “just say yes” theory. Accepting every days challenges but knowing I’ll have a full 24 hours to make it count. When it comes to work, friends or family I guess I just have faith that if they are meant to be in my life permanently they will come along. That doesn’t mean I expect work or friends to just show up on my doorstep but I do feel by saying yes to every opportunity it will lead me to some great people or potential work opportunities. I guess some people could say I have a Wanderlust for life.
I’m going to take the chance & every opportunity I have presented in front of me to build myself, change myself & learn about who I’m becoming.
In this last year I’ve been through a lot of things. Some very private, some not so much. One real eye opener to me was however, how strong my heart was. Emotionally of course. The emotional torment you put your heart through is unexplainable. Every day, or should I say every “regular” day we go through a multitude of emotions. Dur, captain obvious. On the daily our heart is put through emotions. But what about our really good days? Or even worse our really bad days? How does our heart constantly heal? I know I’ve felt like my heart has been torn out millions of times and sewn back in. We live & learn but our heart always seems to heal. It leaves yesterday in the past and focus’ on what it’s being put through today. I’m blown away by the emotional tolerance my heart has. The crazy things it’s put through day in day out. I guess my heart would make the perfect metaphor for life. Constantly pushing forward, through pain or happiness & remembering that, no matter what I’m going to heal. There’s another 24 hours tomorrow.
– heart pounding Crooks.
•who am I?•
Lately I’ve been feeling lost. I feel like I haven’t been true to myself. I’m loosing control of my own emotions. Ever get in one of those funks that spirals into bad moods, wanting to hide in bed all day & eating junk food? I cant seem to find happiness or peace no matter how hard I try. Don’t get me wrong, times aren’t tough & I feel extremely fortunate for everything I have but it just doesn’t feel enough. There is definitely a lot of people out there with a lot less then what I have who are equally as happy with everything they have. I guess I’m just in a rut. I feel like I need to take a few days off from life, go into hiding, listen to vinyl & read as many books as possible. I’ve been trying to pull myself away from waking up, going to work, coming home and planting myself in front of the TV. Whether its getting to read more, hang out with the dogs or just get outside in general. With this constant weather change, the teasing of spring upon us with winter who keeps creeping back up has gotten most people in a gloomy grey cloud. I feel like even my recent blogging has lacked raw emotion. I just finished reading my original posts, which were sincere & not that long ago but seemed to of brought out a more complex me, not just me complaining about feelings. This is why I’m choosing to post this now. I feel like I need to get back to raw emotion. I’m using the blog to vent & clear my mind. I’m wondering what the rest of the world does when they are in a funk. Do you put down all electronics, focus on one thing at a time? Maybe do some Yoga, Meditate & focus on being you? Sometimes I just need to unplug from the world, the negativity brought with life’s daily challenges & reset myself. I’m facing the challenge where I don’t want to adult anymore. I want to be irresponsible and run away, hide from life’s complications. I’ve never been one to shy away from a problem, I’m the type of person who faces a challenge head on & deal with the consequences. I guess this is why I’m struggling with my feelings now, I’m conflicted with who I am right now.
Its been a few days since I’ve drafted this, hoping that I would look back & realize it was just a rough couple days. I’ve gone out since, went to see a friends band play, read more than usual & generally tried to stay away from the TV. Now, I will admit this week was long for me, working six days and travelling around constantly has gotten me exhausted. However, I’m still not feeling myself. I feel like I need to shake some negativity from my life, push away the dark clouds. Tomorrow I finally get a day off and I’m going to use it to my full advantage. I’m going to get those well needed hours of sleep, curl up on the couch & read a book & then go out and see some friends. I’m going to date myself, a long overdue date. Hopefully this “me” day will pull me out of this soulless, heartless state that I’ve been in. I hate who I am being right now, I want to love, be positive & enjoy life. This has to just be apart of this negative rut that I’ve been fighting.
I will admit, this is a hard blog for me to actually publish, a lot of feelings, negativity & what i feel mostly, disappointed. I will publish this however for anyone gong though the exact same thing, you are not alone. Brighter days are coming, positive energy will start seeping into your life & you’ll look back at this past week and wonder why you ever let it bother you. Here’s to gaining happiness together, pushing away the tough times & looking forward to a happier, brighter future.
– Soul searching Crooks.
I’ve always had problems with image. Growing up I was made fun of & picked on a lot for either being too boyish, not enough make up, too much make up or simply just not being pretty. Wah wah. This isn’t a “poor me” post. My point is, when I finally started to learn to love myself I would take a picture of myself almost every morning. This, of course was way before “selfies” were a thing. I would look back on my better days and see how I felt I needed to improve myself. For the most part, this is still part of my routine. I went years lacking confidence, never felt pretty enough, never felt good enough. What most teenagers go through, but I also dealt with in my early twentys. I’ve never felt this “myself” until these most recent years.
Instagram was becoming popular, lots of food pictures, sunsets, all the instragram “staples”. Selfies suddenly became “a thing”. Majority of my personal Instagram is selfies, I’ll admit I have a selfie problem. Almost all of my selfies are the pictures I’ve taken in the morning to help boost my confidence. If something so simple as a picture can improve your day then why not? Looking back at some of my original posts I can see the girl I was, I can see how I’ve grown simply through one Instagram page. I was overweight, subconscious & terrfied of what the world thought of me. Now I’m seeing someone a little more confident, becoming who she wanted to be for a long time.
•moral of the story•
I’m writing this because I was recently accused of seeking “attention” for my selfies. I hate that. I hate that someone could be so negative about something that doesn’t even affect them. If you don’t like it? Don’t follow me. It’s simple. You never know how your criticism is going to affect others, why be negative? People trying to bring you down are already below you, don’t let them pull you down. Nobody’s confidence should be impacted by what others think of you, I guess I haven’t grown as thick of skin as I would like to. Something I need to build on. Confidence is a beautiful thing, I wish I could’ve told the younger me not to let others put you down. If all it takes is a selfie a day to make you more more confident, then fuck it, be gone with your bad self! Post that selfie! I vow to be the first one to support you in anything and everything that makes you feel confident, you can count on me.
– Confident Crooks.
P.S feel free to follow me on Instagram: Brookelynncrooks I want to see those selfies!
•marriage, do or don’t?•
I was brought up to believe once you get married you feel a sense of security. Security in the sense knowing you found the one person you’re supposed to be with, everybody else is just shadows in the backround. Now, from personal experience I never truly felt secure in my marriage. I always felt like he could do better or always wanted someone more than me. (Looking back, I realize I had multiple aspects as to why I felt this way) I always wrote it off as part of the reason my marriage failed. Insecurity & never feeling enough. I recently went out with a friend who is now married & she was saying how she would never think her husband would cheat, but never fully felt secure. It was in the back of her mind that he could be checking out/meeting girls at work, the gym or just a simple daily errand he’s running. My question is when did we all become so insecure? What happened to the idea of relationships, especially marriage that’s supposed to be so sacred between two people they never had to consider an outside temptation? Can our generation blame social media? It’s similar to dating these days, nobody really settles down into a long term relationship because they feel there could always be something better. How do we quit temptation and really focus on we’re with? Is it as simple as deleting social media and pouring all the focus into a relationship? Do we need to start dating ourselves and realize that we can no longer rely on our companion to fulfill that security? I want to know when security became such a problem. I can truthfully say since my marriage ended I’ve learnt to love myself. I have nobody to impress except myself. If I want to watch a cheesey movie and eat all my favourite junk food I will. I now understand that when I do find someone I want to invest my time in that I will be good enough. A significant other doesn’t have the right to take that away from me. I don’t know if I’m learning this because of my experiences in life at such a young age or if this is part of growing up and getting to know me. I’m not sure I would’ve ever gotten to when I am mentally if I was still married. I truthfully thought the sense of insecurity was just something that was wrong with me. I didn’t know other people also felt this way. Especially married couples. Do men feel insecure in their relationships too? Most people are quick to blame social media, but is there a way to have a long lasting relationship AND have social media? Or is our generation forever going to feel there is always someone better? I guess this is modern day relationships now. Can marriage be kept sacred and secure? Will we always be tempted by someone else? I understand not everyone has temptation, not everyone will act on temptation if they do. I’m curious to see how marriage will be in 10 years from now, will social media or overall temptation totally destroy the idea of one person forever? Guess I’ll just have to wait and see.
– Curious Crooks