C. Eastman

For her being a stranger…she really wasn’t…her conviction and fearless nature compelled him to dig deeper, to try harder to get to know this woman who at first was merely an attractive possibility….she floored him with her snappy wit and regaled him with stories of her adventures…he realized this was a person of substance and before he knew it he was sharing his deepest emotions and fears which he expected would be met with criticism and judgment but instead she understood and embraced his broken heart…she too had been lost not too long ago…unlike him she had the courage to take the leap into the unknown and let all the fear of regret and social expectations not define who she was…even though he never told her..shed given him a few pieces he’d thought he’d lost….she was a stranger…she was what he needed…she was more than she knew….she’s my friend – Chris Eastman

Trio.

That’s when I realized what a true friend was. Someone who would always love you – the imperfect you, the confused you, the wrong you – because that is what true friends are supposed to do.

Sleepless nights.

My days are long, sometimes extremely stressful, usually not too bad. It’s apart of the job. I typically can read and pass out no problem. However for whatever reason these last few nights I’ve really fought sleeping. My mind is going a mile a minute. I do my best to avoid my phone but let’s be honest, at some point I give up. Sleeping meditation apps are my favourite. But lately I’ve found myself remembering my past. People (mostly women) I’ve been envious of, who I was just a year ago, what my life would’ve been like if I had just focused on me and not anyone else. Let me tell you, I would’ve been a totally different person. It got me thinking what I do need to be successful. Do I need to be in a certain persons work position? Do I need the same colour hair as this girl? Will I truly be happy with that body that I’ve always dreamt of? When is enough actually enough? Even people who have written self help books, who felt they’ve accomplished it all… are still working. They are continuing to push forward, make more money. Do they feel they’ve reached the top? People often say to enjoy the ride, don’t focus to much on the future. How are you supposed to know which way to go? Do I have what it takes to cut it in photography? Could I possibly ever really get that dream body? Am I destined to have kids? I wouldn’t say I’m afraid of failure, that is just apart of life. I more fear taking the wrong route and doing this again in a couple years wondering what I was thinking. I don’t have any regrets from my past, it’s shaped who I am now. However I can’t help but feel I have this clicking clock against me forcing me to sort it out. I’m so desperate to start this new direction. However something keeps holding me back and I can’t seem to fight through that. Maybe I just have too much influence in my life. Maybe I do need to just spend the days doing what I want, when I want. Avoiding all social media and just focusing on who I truly want to be. Is that even possible this day in age?

I just can’t help but think of these things. I don’t know if/when I’ll get the answer. I’ve never been a patient person and I’ve always believed in fate and we all have our own paths. I guess I’m just loosing identity as to where I’m going, should/want to go next. I can’t be the only other person feeling this.

-Confused Crooks

someone.

Someone to wake up to. To share the weather with, then the coffee.

Someone to dream with—to plan and scheme and then celebrate with.

Someone to win with, and someone to lose with.

Someone to care for and protect—and to let go of and watch fly.

Someone to stare at in wonder, and to think, “That heart loves mine.”

Someone to talk long with under stars on frosty nights. To giggle through scarves and gloves and hats with, and to kiss under mistletoe.

Someone to hold. Someone to be held by. To be treasured by a treasure.

Someone to notice birds with. To catch flashes of blue and green and purple and brown—and to feel the excitement of soaring little wonders. To see life as it is, not as it seems.

Someone to sit with and watch children, perhaps our own, and to laugh in their innocence and swell at our luck.

Someone to forget with.

Someone to cook with. To sweep mud off the floor. Someone to make magic out of mundane with and smile because it’s with each other.

Someone to cry with. To share rivers of grief indistinguishable from the other. To hold and to hug, and to help and to heal.

Someone to hold hands with. To glance at, fingers intertwined beneath coffee tables, and hearts blurring between eyes.

Someone to lay with with, nothing in between. To be everything holy and exist in a dream. To be naked to our souls and give everything unseen.

Someone to trust. To tell darkest secrets to and reveal hungry fears. Someone to know all of themselves and to want to see more. Someone whose eyes reflect what’s in ours.

Someone to walk with. To travel with. To find pockets of magic in grey city dullness. To drive miles and miles just for that “mile” that’s ours.

Someone to smile with. A deep knowing grin that says, “I see you” and “I’m staying.”

Someone to miss, even for a minute—until they return, and it feels like home again.

Someone to stare at for moments unending.

Someone to love.

Someone.

-Andy Charrington

Ready, set, go.

•resolutions•

It’s that time of year again. The resolutions. All those things I’m going to do. No excuses.

Syke, not this time. This year I’m making a list of things I won’t be doing.

– No more bread, it makes me feel terrible, even though a lot of the food with bread is my favourite.

– No more binge watching, only limited tv. I’ve gotten into this poor trend of curling up on the couch and watching the day waste away.

– 10k in steps, minimum. Get my butt moving. No more half ass, I don’t want to go outside because of the rain bullshit.

– No more junk. Be more body conscious, I need to learn what I’m sticking in my body. Focus on what my body needs compared to what I want…. Okay maybe a salt and vinegar chip here and there. They are my favvvvve.

– No more take out. Correction: no more buying half premade food and actually cook, in-fact; I’m going to cook everything I can.. and then some.

– Blog (at least) once a week.

– Take my vitamins. (I can basically hear my mom saying “I told you so” already.)

– No more material goods. This will be an extremely hard for me. I want to make paycheques to make memories with friends and family. Not own the newest coolest item on the market. Things last temporarily, memories last forever. (cheesy, just accept it.)

 

These are just a few. I’m sure I’ll continue to add to it as I go along. However this feels like a great start. I may be late in the game for starting but I’m ready to live my best life, instead of just coasting through. Happy 2018 blog fam! Here’s to bettering yourself, pushing yourself and crushing new adventures.

IMG_3205

Him.

He makes me absolutely crazy. He makes me mad. He makes me question and love and appreciate things I never thought I would. He’s helped me take on a new direction in life I didn’t think I could. He’s crazy, he’s obnoxious but he’s mine. There is something to be said about someone who makes you so crazy, so emotional both up and down that proves you love him. There’s just something about him that makes me love him more and more every day. Even when I’m burnt out, tapped out and ready to call it quits. He’s there and somehow I just know it’s all going to work out. He’s my sunshine on a cloudy day.

The (bitter) cold hard truth. (Pt.2)

Saying goodbye is never easy. I don’t care who you are. When you say goodbye to anyone you lose apart of you, even if it’s temporarily. Loosing my then husband, telling him I didn’t want what I promised him. Forever wasn’t for me anymore. Loving someone enough to let them go and not be stuck in a one way relationship. I’ll never forget sitting him down that night. I had no idea what I was going to say, what was going to come from it. I worried about the dog, the house and our financial state. As much as I didn’t want to be with him anymore I still loved him enough to not just up and leave him. After many tears and a single piece of paper with all of our belongings divided between us; it was done. It was surreal.m, It was painful. I had no idea what the next steps were. I remember waking up the next morning not wanting to get out of bed. I feared I had torn him apart. My once husband, best friend and soul mate. It destroyed me. It was harder than the talk we had the night previous. Facing him, knowing what we had was over and deciding where to next. To be honest, I was in such fear the details majority of the morning was a blur. The only real part I can remember was walking down those 12 stairs to the kitchen, seeing him standing there. He turned around gave me one big massive hug and promised me we would always stay close. Despite all the anger and hurt, a friendship was what was most important to us. It was a very long, excruciating painful road ahead, but I knew we would survive it. I still to this day three do not regret the conversation had. I’ve never felt so free.

– crooks

18′

•Expose yourself•

Be real, be raw. Go after everything you want. If you hate who you are in the morning then change it. Be vulnerable. It’s uncomfortable at first but you won’t regret it. Life gives you a new opportunity every morning; 24 hours to mould and shape who you’re going to be. Don’t waste it not loving life. Don’t live the same day twice, that isn’t a life. 2017 taught me some real lessons about life. It taught me a lot about who I am and who I want to be. I’m thankful for those who tagged along and those who bowed out gracefully. I wake up happy and thankful for my life every day. You should too. Bring on 2018.

Deja vu

•What’s wrong with me?•

I’ll never understand it. There’s nights where I just never feel enough. Those nights I sit alone while the world passes by and I’m stuck, like a stick in the mud. Life is going by and I feel like all I have is the dogs.  He’s out working again. Any normal job you work and rush home. Not this one. This one leads to endless, countless evenings alone while he stays back and drinks with his buddies. Being woken up at 2am, 3am even sometimes 4am to a drunk boyfriend who doesn’t have respect to keep it quiet. Don’t get me wrong, he’s amazing when he’s sober. I love him. However sometimes two people are just too different to make it work. He doesn’t see how him being so high and drunk all the time is pushing me away. So what now? Do I fall into the same old habit of sitting home alone while he finds something better to do? Why am I always good enough to sit beside but never to be associated with? It seems like I’m worthless. I’m not worthy of a mans attention. Where did I go wrong? I give them everything they want. Do I want to be with someone who can’t even stay sober around me? Am I that terrible? Am I only good enough when they want something? I feel so disrespected. I’m so confused with what I want right now. Didn’t I just escape this lifestyle in my marriage? I’m loosing faith that I’m meant to be with anyone.

– lost crooks

And then you came along.

him•

I recently went through a roller coaster ride. Metaphorically of course. I felt like life was against me. I was fighting bills, friends and really just life in general. I knew it would pass. Cliche as it is I mumbled “this too shall pass” while fighting through the current days annoyance. I was ready to pack it in and head home. Maybe my light at the end of the tunnel was in Ontario. I kept fighting the feeling that maybe it wasn’t meant to be. Somehow I just knew I would find a reason to stay and fight through. 

And then you came along. You’ll probably never know this but I was at the end of my rope. Preparing to tell my family I was moving back, getting my last joys out of the West Coast before I gave into what everyone else does. The easy. The run back home, save money and just deal with unhappiness. It took one last minute brunch idea to change everything. Now, I can’t say you solved all my problems but you did make a decision easier for me. I needed that glimpse of hope to know I had a purpose for sticking around. It sounds like a lot of pressure, it’s not. You just came into my life when things were really south. You make it easy for me to stay home and just enjoy the little things in life. It felt good to smile again. Not to say my friends aren’t fantastic, I had more support than I thought I truly would ever have. You just brought a calm in me I hadn’t seen in myself in a long time. A reality check. Something in ever thought I would feel again after my marriage. Spending time with you is easy. On the crappiest days it takes a simple basic message from you to turn it around. It’s foreign to me. Being genuinely happy and putting my trust in someone is a rareity. I chose to take the chance and leap. I don’t regret it. Whatever this is, whatever it’s meant to be couldn’t of come at a better time. You make me happy, really happy. I’m not sure you’ll ever understand how much I appreciate the things you’ve done for me wether you realize it or not. Even the smallest things don’t go unnoticed. I don’t care to sound cliche, clingy or needy but I appreciate you and I’m excited to see where this will go. You bring me genuine happiness and excitement that I didn’t think I would ever feel again. All because you came along unexpectedly and I couldn’t be more thankful. 

– caught the feels Crooks.