My days are long, sometimes extremely stressful, usually not too bad. It’s apart of the job. I typically can read and pass out no problem. However for whatever reason these last few nights I’ve really fought sleeping. My mind is going a mile a minute. I do my best to avoid my phone but let’s be honest, at some point I give up. Sleeping meditation apps are my favourite. But lately I’ve found myself remembering my past. People (mostly women) I’ve been envious of, who I was just a year ago, what my life would’ve been like if I had just focused on me and not anyone else. Let me tell you, I would’ve been a totally different person. It got me thinking what I do need to be successful. Do I need to be in a certain persons work position? Do I need the same colour hair as this girl? Will I truly be happy with that body that I’ve always dreamt of? When is enough actually enough? Even people who have written self help books, who felt they’ve accomplished it all… are still working. They are continuing to push forward, make more money. Do they feel they’ve reached the top? People often say to enjoy the ride, don’t focus to much on the future. How are you supposed to know which way to go? Do I have what it takes to cut it in photography? Could I possibly ever really get that dream body? Am I destined to have kids? I wouldn’t say I’m afraid of failure, that is just apart of life. I more fear taking the wrong route and doing this again in a couple years wondering what I was thinking. I don’t have any regrets from my past, it’s shaped who I am now. However I can’t help but feel I have this clicking clock against me forcing me to sort it out. I’m so desperate to start this new direction. However something keeps holding me back and I can’t seem to fight through that. Maybe I just have too much influence in my life. Maybe I do need to just spend the days doing what I want, when I want. Avoiding all social media and just focusing on who I truly want to be. Is that even possible this day in age?
I just can’t help but think of these things. I don’t know if/when I’ll get the answer. I’ve never been a patient person and I’ve always believed in fate and we all have our own paths. I guess I’m just loosing identity as to where I’m going, should/want to go next. I can’t be the only other person feeling this.