The moment I knew it was over.

•fragile•

This is a tough one for me. I debated publishing this one for months now. It’s a painful one. I won’t get into too many details but I felt I needed to be raw, real & honest about what happened to my marriage. I lost myself. I would almost consider it a black out period. Something wasn’t right. The wedding was fantastic. My husband was amazing. Great guy, fantastic career & a promising future to be had. We got along famously. We worked well together. We liked many of the same things. It just worked. Two puzzle pieces perfectly connected. That is, until I fell down the rabbit hole. After the wedding I turned miserable. I couldn’t understand who I was. I was this mean, ugly person to this amazing guy who just promised to love and take care of me for the rest of his life. I can honestly say the best moment of my life (even to this day) was standing up at the altar, feeling so alive staring at my soon to be husband and saying our vows. I’ve never loved him as much as I did in that moment. Then, darkness. I couldn’t remember what day it was, who I was or where I even wanted to go in life. I put on a smile, flashed my big sparkly ring for everyone to see but inside I was dying. I tried for months to pull out of it. This flashy ring meant nothing to me anymore. It wasn’t who I was or even what I wanted. I actually only started wearing it for work and family functions. I hated what it represented. I fought with my new husband often. I blamed him for things that weren’t his fault. I was confused, lost and angry. We talked about counselling but the problem was with me. Not him. I decided to book a girls vacation to Vegas to get away for a bit. Give him and I a little break from misery and get some time apart. I woke up the morning I was flying out to Vegas to a note on our kitchen island. Amongst other things it said “I know you don’t love me like you did the day we got married anymore. I do still love you” My heart sank. He was right. I was falling out of love with my husband. I took that note to Vegas and read it every day I was there. It was like being hit by a dump truck over and over again. I knew it was over. I didn’t know where I was going but I knew this eight year relationship was fading fast. When I arrived home from Vegas we talked. We tried to make it work for months. It was gone. Nether of us could recreate the spark. I still have the note. I keep it in a safe place to read from time to time. It still hurts. I still cry every time I read it. I loved my husband. I respect him as a person, as an ex and as a good friend of mine. I know he’s going to make an amazing husband and dad one day. It just won’t be with me. I’m lucky enough to still call him my friend and talk to him often. I’m thankful for that every day. But that was it. The moment I knew it was over.

– Cooks in discovery

3 Replies to “The moment I knew it was over.”

  1. Dear Brooke,
    Mahadi here, i was following your instagram from one of Lords Of Gastown pic, i decided to choose to follow you. I know how depressing this can be, i have single all my life since 2009 and now I am 36. Yes, I am Asian and a muslim but I tend to date ladies from different banckgrounds. I am not married even once despite my age becos I think I am still in love with my late fiancee. She died in June 2009 due a freak accident when on a scuba trip in Borneo with her school, i was depressed for a few years after that but knew i had to move on. It was hard for me but i glad i went back to night class for 3 years. I am glad i read this thanks for sharing with me. – Mahadi Noris

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    1. Hi Mahadi. The whole point of me blogging is so reach out for people to relate. I’m happy to hear I could help even a little bit so that you know you are not alone. I’m sorry to hear about your fiancée. Time really does heal the heart. I’m sure she will always be there with you even if it’s only in your heart. Happiness is important and I’m sure she would want nothing but for you to be happy now. Thank you for sharing. Have a great day!

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  2. Hey Brooke,

    Came across your blog and gave this a gander, and felt compelled to write you.
    I’m familiar with the feeling, less the marriage part.
    It’s weird to think that the labels “husband” & “wife” can have such a powerful connotation, as in theory they are just words. But, those words can change any relationship when spoken.
    I’ve always never been a fan of labels, as I see it as a form of dictating to people what you are; and not really who you are (if that makes sense). But once the words “fiancé” and soon to be “wife” were said, I felt like I was shackled with no chance of escape. Sounds weird when you think about it, how words can have that affect on you – but they do; they did. And as time passed, the more trapped I felt; and the more I started falling out of love.

    I don’t know if that helps, but reading your post brought back memories; and I wanted to share my experiences with you as they felt the same.

    Like

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