•playing poker•

“In the past four months I’ve built confidence & broken down barriers. Four months ago I had no idea who I was & where I was going. I was heartbroken, lost & needed a change. Four months ago I said “fuck it” & left my entire life behind in Ontario. In four months I finally started “living” & being a person I always wanted to be. If I could do all this in such a short period of time I can’t imagine what I’ll be like in a year. Cheers to everyone who stood up & made a change; everyone deserves happiness.”

I made this statement & I choose to stand by it; however recently I’ve found myself building walls around people I care about. It’s like I want them to think I’m cold, have no heart & don’t feel the way they do. I have no idea why. Wether it is a friend or a guy I care about I feel like I’m pushing them away. I’m assuming it’s because my life is so upside down at all times I fear for anyone I let in. Yet I really want someone to offer me stability. I want that someone to give me a reason to stay. To have those nights in watching movies & be totally happy about it. Why is it so hard for me to break down barriers & just tell someone this? I feel like I’m constantly on a show, constantly needing to impress. Having multiple visitors since I moved out here has been fantastic but there’s only so much “showing off” I can do before I wear thin. I think I’m starting to reflect this now. Specifically in my love life. It seems so hard to find a partner out here. With this town constantly being in transition it’s hard to be comfortable know you’re good enough. Confidence has never been a weak suit of mine but recently I find myself questioning what I’m good enough for, if I really have more to offer than the person sitting next to me. This is both in relationship & in work. I’m pushing through, I’m pushing myself to limits I normally wouldn’t go to get what I want. But what happens if it fails? What if I’m turned down, demoted or I’m just not good enough. Heart shattering. I think this is why I’m building up walls, protecting myself like a shield from feelings & heart ache. I guess this apart of “post partum” wedding bliss. Feeling like you just have nothing more to offer than what you’ve shown. I’ve played my cards, I’ve shown what I can do & what I can offer. I can’t bluff anymore, here’s my feelings laid out in the table; I’m all in.It’s your turn……

-bluffin’ Crooks.

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