•the dream life•
There’s something to be said about this city. Growing up in the country, never really experiencing city life. I was always visiting bigger cities like Toronto, Los Angeles, Vegas or New York but never experienced living there. Now to be fair I live on the west side of Vancouver so I’m not exactly “city living” but this city captures you. Something about it embraces you and brings you in closer. The city itself is full of self discovery, self discipline and a genuine want to be a better person. Now, with that being said; I know what you’re thinking. Yes it’s expensive, yes you need to work your ass off to live here but if it makes you the happiest you’ve ever been at what expense are you willing to give? Nothing comes free, nor cheap. Most people in their lives are just fighting to have a good day. I can look out my front door and see a city skyline, the mountains and the ocean. What more could a person want. I feel like everyone warned me about this feeling but I never understood it until I started living here. Where else can you see mountains pretty much everywhere you look? Knowing there is freedom, a place to be yourself around any corner. Who wouldn’t want that? Vancouver is like a Disney world for adults. The addiction is real and life style is amazing. I really hope you get to experience this one day. Everyone should experience life this way, even if it is for a little bit. You won’t be disappointed. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
– City Slickin’ Crooks
I miss him.
I’m never going to be the girl you’re looking for. I’m never going to be that girl you’ve built up as your “perfect girl”. I’m probably not even going to be that girl you dreamed of. I’m real. I fight, I cry, I fall too hard and I give up too easily. I can’t change who I am. It’s hard to accept that this will probably never work but I need to remember that I am me. I’ve got a love for dogs, adventure and passion of all kinds. I have a secret nerd side of me who loves to game, read comics and talk about super heroes all night. It’s almost like you expect me to wake up and be a different person. I’m not, this is me. I’ve shown you apart of me others have never seen. I built that connection with you to try to build a relationship with you and it still wasn’t there. I wasn’t “it”. A strong connection wasn’t enough for you to feel like it was worth it. I’ll probably never understand it but I do need you to know that I gave you all of me. You saw the good bad and the ugly. I don’t know what else I could’ve done. I understand this wasn’t on me, what was between us wasn’t a lie; but I can’t seem to shake the idea of someone giving up something so good. I know there’s a lesson to be learnt here. Maybe I’m not ready for this, for you or any other type of relationship. You’re making me this crazy girl with feelings and I don’t’ like it. Only I can control how I feel but right now I feel like a puppet on a string. This emotional, heartfelt girl with multiple emotions isn’t me. Why can’t I push past this? Every other guy in my past was a breeze, but you? Seems impossible. I should’ve kept my walls up. Instead I jumped in with two feet. I’ll never say I’m angry with you. That isn’t the case. The disappointment seems to be enough. I hope you’ll realize one day how amazing this could’ve been and instead of putting in the work you walked away. If there’s one thing I could say to you it would be “nothing worth it comes easy”.
– compulsive crooks.
•mean behind the screen•
#KissAndMakeup is a movement I firmly believe in. I’ve been apart of the movement for a little over a year & I couldn’t feel stronger about it. This movement was created by Tarte Cosmetics in an effort to make online bullying stop. Tarte believes everyone should be true to themselves and shouldn’t be ashamed of who you are or what you’re becoming. You shouldn’t fear anyone hiding behind a screen and trying to belittle the person you are or becoming.
“Over 3.2 million students are victims of bullying each year,”
“Eighty-eight percent of teens witness cyber-bullying every day, and 41 percent of teens say they’ve experienced it.”
“Suicide is the third leading cause of death among young people, resulting in about 4,400 deaths per year, according to the CDC. For every suicide among young people, there are at least 100 suicide attempts. Over 14 percent of high school students have considered suicide, and almost 7 percent have”
You could do your part by simply posting a selfie with a kiss mark placed on your hand. Start people talkin & creating awareness. Just by reading this article and educating yourself on cyber bullying is doing something. With the alarming rate of the younger generation begging to be accepted it’s increasing a bullies desire to hurt & attack. I believe bullies aren’t bad people, they are hurt. Typically something is going on that this anger stems from that. This can be prevented.
For more information or just to read up on #KissAndMakeup go to:
I’m always here to listen, I welcome anyone to message me if they would like any further information or just need someone to talk to. I’m here.
If you feel you have been cyber bullied please speak up & get the help you deserve:
Or visit: http://www.cyberbullyhotline.com
I’d odd, I’m weird, I’m one of a kind. I like most things boys like. I’m far from a girly girl. I prefer to game rather then to go for dinner. I’ll steal your superhero t-shirt, not your money. I’m more likely to laugh at something offensive than actually get offended. I’ll cook you dinner or bring you a beer when you’ve had a shitty day. I’m caring but I never wear my heart on my sleeve. I can be brutally blunt & honest, take it as a compliment that I’ll never bullshit you. If I let my guard down around you feel special. I’ll admit, I’m super hard to understand, but I will always make it known what you mean to me. It’s who I am. I’m me. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
So I guess this is hello from the air. I’ve jumped. I’m writing this as I sit on a plane ride home to surprise my family. I can’t say this was overly planned. I took a chance hoped for the days off work and booked a ticket four days ago. Since I dumped my life in Ontario five months ago I figured I owed it to my family to come see them. Thanksgiving has always been a holiday that’s been important to me. My family has a tradition where we go to the same fair, eat the same food & just spend the day enjoying each other’s time. With all of us being grown up, my nephews now young adults & living our own lives I knew I couldn’t miss this holiday. We won’t have this tradition forever I understand; but there’s no reason I should bail on it just because I live across the country. Nobody in my family has ever missed this day together. It’s the one time my entire family makes it a priority to spend every thanksgiving Monday together. No ifs, ands or buts. We have always been together. I actually flew in from my honeymoon on the morning of thanksgiving Monday & still made sure I was there. My sister last year was in Ugonda doing missionary work & still managed to make this day. It feels weird to leave Vancouver. I’m oddly uneasy living the place I’ve only lived in for a short period of time. I’ve left my dogs with my two best friends whom I know will spoil them like crazy. Infat, I’m convinced they probably won’t notice me gone. Haha. I already miss them & it’s only been a couple hours. It’s crazy how somewhere can become a home so quickly in such a short period of time. I guess this weekend will be a true trial run to see where home really lies for me. My plan was to only live in Vancouver for a year, however I’m now questioning if I want to be there longer. I might even decide to move somewhere else; Alberta maybe? I love the fact that my life truly has no destination, no plan. I pick up whenever I want and just do whatever my heart desires. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt so comfortable not knowing what tomorrow brings. I guess I’m just realizing that I wasn’t meant always hang around in one place. My gypsy soul has persuaded my heart to finally do/go wherever it wants.
Today would’ve marked the three year anniversary of my marriage. I’m sure most people would be upset, undeniably thinking about that day & all the memories that come along with it. I’ll be blatantly honest; I’m perfectly okay with not being married. I’m not phased that I chose to marry my best friend. The marriage ended in the best possible way. I wouldn’t take back my decision if I could. We’ve both grown so much just in the last year alone, never mind the past three years. I couldn’t be happier. I’m finally feeling like I’m in my own skin again. I feel like I can breathe again & I’m free to be myself. To cut it short this is how I’m choosing to celebrate my 3 year anniversary. Blogging my feelings hoping in years to come, on this memorable date I’ll feel the same, if not better. I’ve finally moved on.
– moving on Crooks.
“We grow apart; I watch you on the red horizon. Your lion’s heart, will protect you under stormy skies.” – James Bay
“In the past four months I’ve built confidence & broken down barriers. Four months ago I had no idea who I was & where I was going. I was heartbroken, lost & needed a change. Four months ago I said “fuck it” & left my entire life behind in Ontario. In four months I finally started “living” & being a person I always wanted to be. If I could do all this in such a short period of time I can’t imagine what I’ll be like in a year. Cheers to everyone who stood up & made a change; everyone deserves happiness.”
I made this statement & I choose to stand by it; however recently I’ve found myself building walls around people I care about. It’s like I want them to think I’m cold, have no heart & don’t feel the way they do. I have no idea why. Wether it is a friend or a guy I care about I feel like I’m pushing them away. I’m assuming it’s because my life is so upside down at all times I fear for anyone I let in. Yet I really want someone to offer me stability. I want that someone to give me a reason to stay. To have those nights in watching movies & be totally happy about it. Why is it so hard for me to break down barriers & just tell someone this? I feel like I’m constantly on a show, constantly needing to impress. Having multiple visitors since I moved out here has been fantastic but there’s only so much “showing off” I can do before I wear thin. I think I’m starting to reflect this now. Specifically in my love life. It seems so hard to find a partner out here. With this town constantly being in transition it’s hard to be comfortable know you’re good enough. Confidence has never been a weak suit of mine but recently I find myself questioning what I’m good enough for, if I really have more to offer than the person sitting next to me. This is both in relationship & in work. I’m pushing through, I’m pushing myself to limits I normally wouldn’t go to get what I want. But what happens if it fails? What if I’m turned down, demoted or I’m just not good enough. Heart shattering. I think this is why I’m building up walls, protecting myself like a shield from feelings & heart ache. I guess this apart of “post partum” wedding bliss. Feeling like you just have nothing more to offer than what you’ve shown. I’ve played my cards, I’ve shown what I can do & what I can offer. I can’t bluff anymore, here’s my feelings laid out in the table; I’m all in.It’s your turn……