•hear your heart•
I’m not sure where to start. I’ve never felt so lost yet so found at the same time. Obviously moving across country all alone is going to be hard. Leaving behind your best friends, your family & anyone who’s ever made an impact on your life is bound to be difficult. I guess I just didn’t understand the challenge I was facing. I’m not writing this for sympathetic reasons. I’m writing because I feel like I’m constantly reassuring people I’m okay, that I’m happy. I love Vancouver, I really feel I’m feeding my soul, becoming a person I’ve wanted to for so long. At the same time, not having a best friend to meet for tea to talk about guys, work or just life in general is really hard. Not being able to just hug my parents when I’ve had a rough day knowing they would be there in a heart beat if I wanted them to. Things I didn’t consider moving across the country. Fitting in, making friends when you’re the
“new” kid hasn’t particularly been easy for me either. Working 40 hours a week, living in a strange city & being a mama to two fur babies leaves me little time to “get out there” and make friends. Don’t get me wrong, I have already met some great people. Trying to BE myself while trying to FIND myself is a totally different challenge. I’ve never struggled with making friends. I’ve always been true to myself, danced to my own tune. However, when you’re changing so drastically you’re sure to get lost. You don’t know who you are, what kind of friends you want in your life or where you could possibly fit in. The culture shock alone of coming from a country lifestyle of driving everywhere, eating a quick meal and life on the run VS. a neighbourhood where the common lifestyle consists of a laid back, yoga doing, clean eating & biking everywhere. What a difference. I love it, I love the diversity of what I’ve experienced in such a small time. This is a lifestyle I’ve dreamt of for a long time. I guess I just wish I had someone to share it with. Someone who could understand what I’m going through, or is going through the same thing I am. I refuse to just work eat and sleep while I’m living out here but I’m so challenged to change my life style, finding more hours in a day while making everyone else around me happy. I want to experience Vancouver for everything it has to offer. I’ve made a point to go to the beach at least once a day and take in the mountains, scenery & making a point to sit back even if it’s just for a few minutes. It still just isn’t enough. I guess this is all apart of the experience of “becoming” I’m sure with time it will get easier, but for now its seeming like a constant struggle to explore, live & take care of my life’s basic needs all at once. It’s all about defying who I was compared to whom I want to be. What my next step will be. In this crazy upside down game called life.
Today I dressed myself knowing I was done. No more casual business clothes, this wasn’t me anymore. The entire concept of me moving across Canada & exploring life wasn’t to work a job I was miserable at. Granted, I was good at it. Being in the industry for so many years it became second nature. Which is exactly why I couldn’t do it anymore. Part of growing up and developing myself was to put myself in uncomfortable positions & build myself to who I wanna be. I can’t do that anchored down.
I can’t stand that there is so much hate in this world. I feel terrible that someone has so much negative compassion for another human being. Wether the trigger is religion, race or sexual preference we are all still human beings. We are all the same on the inside. My heart is with the people of Orlando & anyone else who has become a victim of any hate crime. Let’s love more & hate less. The world is too small for such negative energy.
– Ever loving Crooks.
In this last year I’ve been through a lot of things. Some very private, some not so much. One real eye opener to me was however, how strong my heart was. Emotionally of course. The emotional torment you put your heart through is unexplainable. Every day, or should I say every “regular” day we go through a multitude of emotions. Dur, captain obvious. On the daily our heart is put through emotions. But what about our really good days? Or even worse our really bad days? How does our heart constantly heal? I know I’ve felt like my heart has been torn out millions of times and sewn back in. We live & learn but our heart always seems to heal. It leaves yesterday in the past and focus’ on what it’s being put through today. I’m blown away by the emotional tolerance my heart has. The crazy things it’s put through day in day out. I guess my heart would make the perfect metaphor for life. Constantly pushing forward, through pain or happiness & remembering that, no matter what I’m going to heal. There’s another 24 hours tomorrow.
– heart pounding Crooks.
Often things are hard to post. They are even harder to feel. What’s worse? Reading how you felt in a previous time. Blogging has been both an eye opening/ heart closing experience for me. I’m happy I’m choosing to do it. I’m also happy I’m able to share it in my “secret” world of the few of you who read it. Recently I’ve had multiple people saying they’ve stumbled across my blog & I just want to say hello & also thank you for constantly reading. I promise to try to blog more often.
– just sayin’, Crooks.
I’ll admit, I’ve been severely distracted from life itself trying to sort out this whole move- across-the-country thing. But I will say this, it’s funny how quickly you forget about some people. Especially the ones at one point who were super important to you. You know, those people you used to talk to day in & day out & always had plans with them every single weekend. Suddenly these people are a distant memory. You forget things, maybe something like their birthday (thank you Facebook for reminding me as always!) or maybe that they exist at all. It’s funny how in a year, six months or even in a week how quickly things can change. I don’t feel like we do this purposely, someone who once meant something to you doesn’t deserve to just be shut out, but people change and grow like wild flowers. I know what you’re thinking – “duh idiot, everybody grows” but hear me out. Think back to a few months ago for example. It could’ve been a friend, a potential love interest or even a tinder match. They completely consumed your mind. You spent atleast a few hours thinking about them, wondering what they are doing or how they’ve been. A few weeks past and suddenly you forgot they existed. Why does one person consume our minds so heavily and weeks later we hardly remember they existed? Is this apart of growing up, are we naturally inclined to just let relationships (friendship or romantic) fade out? Does every relationship really need that much “work”? Of course there’s always those people I life who could quite literally fall off the face of the earth but yet once you meet up again it’s like time has never changed. Is it a compatibility thing? How to you avoid being “forgotten”? Life happens, growth happens. But how do we stay relevant in someone’s life even if we do become super busy? I’ve always been inclined to just say “hello” to peopleI miss or haven’t seen. They’re mostly weirded out because I’ve come out of completely no where. How do you say I miss talking to you without sounding totally crazy? I need some answers please. Is this really just apart of growing up?
– “Hi, I’m still here!” Crooks.