Raw.

 •who am I?•

Lately I’ve been feeling lost. I feel like I haven’t been true to myself. I’m loosing control of my own emotions. Ever get in one of those funks that spirals into bad moods, wanting to hide in bed all day & eating junk food? I cant seem to find happiness or peace no matter how hard I try. Don’t get me wrong, times aren’t tough & I feel extremely fortunate for everything I have but it just doesn’t feel enough. There is definitely a lot of people out there with a lot less then what I have who are equally as happy with everything they have. I guess I’m just in a rut. I feel like I need to take a few days off from life, go into hiding, listen to vinyl & read as many books as possible. I’ve been trying to pull myself away from waking up, going to work, coming home and planting myself in front of the TV. Whether its getting to read more, hang out with the dogs or just get outside in general. With this constant weather change, the teasing of spring upon us with winter who keeps creeping back up has gotten most people in a gloomy grey cloud. I feel like even my recent blogging  has lacked raw emotion. I just finished reading my original posts, which were sincere & not that long ago but seemed to of brought out a more complex me, not just me complaining about feelings. This is why I’m choosing to post this now. I feel like I need to get back to raw emotion. I’m using the blog to vent & clear my mind. I’m wondering what the rest of the world does when they are in a funk. Do you put down all electronics, focus on one thing at a time? Maybe do some Yoga, Meditate & focus on being you? Sometimes I just need to unplug from the world, the negativity brought with life’s daily challenges & reset myself. I’m facing the challenge where I don’t want to adult anymore. I want to be irresponsible and run away, hide from life’s complications. I’ve never been one to shy away from a problem, I’m the type of person who faces a challenge head on & deal with the consequences. I guess this is why I’m struggling with my feelings now, I’m conflicted with who I am right now.

Its been a few days since I’ve drafted this, hoping that I would look back & realize it was just a rough couple days. I’ve gone out since, went to see a friends band play, read more than usual & generally tried to stay away from the TV. Now,  I will admit this week was long for me, working six days and travelling around constantly has gotten me exhausted. However, I’m still not feeling myself. I feel like I need to shake some negativity from my life, push away the dark clouds. Tomorrow I finally get a day off and I’m going to use it to my full advantage. I’m going to get those well needed hours of sleep, curl up on the couch & read a book & then go out and see some friends. I’m going to date myself, a long overdue date. Hopefully this “me” day will pull me out of this soulless, heartless state that I’ve been in. I hate who I am being right now, I want to love, be positive & enjoy life. This has to just be apart of this negative rut that I’ve been fighting.

I will admit, this is a hard blog for me to actually publish, a lot of feelings, negativity & what i feel mostly, disappointed. I will publish this however for anyone gong though the exact same thing, you are not alone. Brighter days are coming, positive energy will start seeping into your life & you’ll look back at this past week and wonder why you ever let it bother you. Here’s to gaining happiness together, pushing away the tough times & looking forward to a happier, brighter future.

– Soul searching Crooks.

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