Let it happen..

I’m sorry. I apologize to anyone who actually reads my blog ever so often. So many life changes & so little time to blog. I’ll leave this with you & promise to be back real soon!🌻

Raw.

 •who am I?•

Lately I’ve been feeling lost. I feel like I haven’t been true to myself. I’m loosing control of my own emotions. Ever get in one of those funks that spirals into bad moods, wanting to hide in bed all day & eating junk food? I cant seem to find happiness or peace no matter how hard I try. Don’t get me wrong, times aren’t tough & I feel extremely fortunate for everything I have but it just doesn’t feel enough. There is definitely a lot of people out there with a lot less then what I have who are equally as happy with everything they have. I guess I’m just in a rut. I feel like I need to take a few days off from life, go into hiding, listen to vinyl & read as many books as possible. I’ve been trying to pull myself away from waking up, going to work, coming home and planting myself in front of the TV. Whether its getting to read more, hang out with the dogs or just get outside in general. With this constant weather change, the teasing of spring upon us with winter who keeps creeping back up has gotten most people in a gloomy grey cloud. I feel like even my recent blogging  has lacked raw emotion. I just finished reading my original posts, which were sincere & not that long ago but seemed to of brought out a more complex me, not just me complaining about feelings. This is why I’m choosing to post this now. I feel like I need to get back to raw emotion. I’m using the blog to vent & clear my mind. I’m wondering what the rest of the world does when they are in a funk. Do you put down all electronics, focus on one thing at a time? Maybe do some Yoga, Meditate & focus on being you? Sometimes I just need to unplug from the world, the negativity brought with life’s daily challenges & reset myself. I’m facing the challenge where I don’t want to adult anymore. I want to be irresponsible and run away, hide from life’s complications. I’ve never been one to shy away from a problem, I’m the type of person who faces a challenge head on & deal with the consequences. I guess this is why I’m struggling with my feelings now, I’m conflicted with who I am right now.

Its been a few days since I’ve drafted this, hoping that I would look back & realize it was just a rough couple days. I’ve gone out since, went to see a friends band play, read more than usual & generally tried to stay away from the TV. Now,  I will admit this week was long for me, working six days and travelling around constantly has gotten me exhausted. However, I’m still not feeling myself. I feel like I need to shake some negativity from my life, push away the dark clouds. Tomorrow I finally get a day off and I’m going to use it to my full advantage. I’m going to get those well needed hours of sleep, curl up on the couch & read a book & then go out and see some friends. I’m going to date myself, a long overdue date. Hopefully this “me” day will pull me out of this soulless, heartless state that I’ve been in. I hate who I am being right now, I want to love, be positive & enjoy life. This has to just be apart of this negative rut that I’ve been fighting.

I will admit, this is a hard blog for me to actually publish, a lot of feelings, negativity & what i feel mostly, disappointed. I will publish this however for anyone gong though the exact same thing, you are not alone. Brighter days are coming, positive energy will start seeping into your life & you’ll look back at this past week and wonder why you ever let it bother you. Here’s to gaining happiness together, pushing away the tough times & looking forward to a happier, brighter future.

– Soul searching Crooks.

Subconscious selfies.

attention•

I’ve always had problems with image. Growing up I was made fun of & picked on a lot for either being too boyish, not enough make up, too much make up or simply just not being pretty. Wah wah. This isn’t a “poor me” post. My point is, when I finally started to learn to love myself I would take a picture of myself almost every morning. This, of course was way before “selfies” were a thing. I would look back on my better days and see how I felt I needed to improve myself. For the most part, this is still part of my routine. I went years lacking confidence, never felt pretty enough, never felt good enough. What most teenagers go through, but I also dealt with in my early twentys. I’ve never felt this “myself” until these most recent years.

Instagram

Instagram was becoming popular, lots of food pictures, sunsets, all the instragram “staples”. Selfies suddenly became “a thing”. Majority of my personal Instagram is selfies, I’ll admit I have a selfie problem. Almost all of my selfies are the pictures I’ve taken in the morning to help boost my confidence. If something so simple as a picture can improve your day then why not? Looking back at some of my original posts I can see the girl I was, I can see how I’ve grown simply through one Instagram page. I was overweight, subconscious & terrfied of what the world thought of me. Now I’m seeing someone a little more confident, becoming who she wanted to be for a long time. 

moral of the story•

I’m writing this because I was recently accused of seeking “attention” for my selfies. I hate that. I hate that someone could be so negative about something that doesn’t even affect them. If you don’t like it? Don’t follow me. It’s simple. You never know how your criticism is going to affect others, why be negative? People trying to bring you down are already below you, don’t let them pull you down. Nobody’s confidence should be impacted by what others think of you, I guess I haven’t grown as thick of skin as I would like to. Something I need to build on. Confidence is a beautiful thing, I wish I could’ve told the younger me not to let others put you down. If all it takes is a selfie a day to make you more more confident, then fuck it, be gone with your bad self! Post that selfie! I vow to be the first one to support you in anything and everything that makes you feel confident, you can count on me.

Sincerely,

– Confident Crooks.

P.S feel free to follow me on Instagram: Brookelynncrooks  I want to see those selfies!

  

Security 

marriage, do or don’t?•

I was brought up to believe once you get married you feel a sense of security. Security in the sense knowing you found the one person you’re supposed to be with, everybody else is just shadows in the backround. Now, from personal experience I never truly felt secure in my marriage. I always felt like he could do better or always wanted someone more than me. (Looking back, I realize I had multiple aspects as to why I felt this way) I always wrote it off as part of the reason my marriage failed. Insecurity & never feeling enough. I recently went out with a friend who is now married & she was saying how she would never think her husband would cheat, but never fully felt secure. It was in the back of her mind that he could be checking out/meeting girls at work, the gym or just a simple daily errand he’s running. My question is when did we all become so insecure? What happened to the idea of relationships, especially marriage that’s supposed to be so sacred between two people they never had to consider an outside temptation? Can our generation blame social media? It’s similar to dating these days, nobody really settles down into a long term relationship because they feel there could always be something better. How do we quit temptation and really focus on we’re with? Is it as simple as deleting social media and pouring all the focus into a relationship? Do we need to start dating ourselves and realize that we can no longer rely on our companion to fulfill that security? I want to know when security became such a problem. I can truthfully say since my marriage ended I’ve learnt to love myself. I have nobody to impress except myself. If I want to watch a cheesey movie and eat all my favourite junk food I will. I now understand that when I do find someone I want to invest my time in that I will be good enough. A significant other doesn’t have the right to take that away from me. I don’t know if I’m learning this because of my experiences in life at such a young age or if this is part of growing up and getting to know me. I’m not sure I would’ve ever gotten to when I am mentally if I was still married. I truthfully thought the sense of insecurity was just something that was wrong with me. I didn’t know other people also felt this way. Especially married couples. Do men feel insecure in their relationships too? Most people are quick to blame social media, but is there a way to have a long lasting relationship AND have social media? Or is our generation forever going to feel there is always someone better? I guess this is modern day relationships now. Can marriage be kept sacred and secure? Will we always be tempted by someone else? I understand not everyone has temptation, not everyone will act on temptation if they do. I’m curious to see how marriage will be in 10 years from now, will social media or overall temptation totally destroy the idea of one person forever? Guess I’ll just have to wait and see.

– Curious Crooks